The 4 Predictors that your Relationship will Fail

Relationship experts, John & Julie Gottman have studied couples for decades. They are leading researchers in the area of marriage and through conducting many studies, found that couples who displayed these 4 negative communication styles, were more likely to separate/ divorce in the following 6 years. The Gottman’s were able to predict this with 90% accuracy. They called them ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’.

Below I have detailed these findings, so you can be more aware of them in your relationship, helping you to make a conscious effort to address them, using the 4 given antidotes to each.

1. The first horseman is Criticism.

Criticising your partner can really hurt & damage your relationship, especially if it becomes pervasive. We all criticise a little, but endlessly telling your partner what they’ve done wrong or moaning about them, will only lead to feelings of distain and defensiveness. Of course, if we had a parent who constantly criticised us, made us feel small, then we will be drawn to partners who do the same, as it feels familiar.  It can also trigger the feeling of ‘not being enough’, which can impact a person’s self- esteem & self- image, leading to a negative feedback loop within the relationship.

So how can you communicate more effectively, without hurting your partner’s feelings? The antidote to criticism, is to express your feelings using ‘I’ statements. For example- Instead of saying, “You are so selfish, you never think about how your behaviour may be affecting me or others, all you do is think about yourself”. You could say, “I feel upset & left out when you make decisions that don’t include me.  I wish we could have a more open line of communication to discuss our thoughts and ideas together, this would make me feel more seen & heard.”

2. The second horseman is Contempt.

Contempt goes even deeper than criticism. It’s when a person assumes a higher position of morality over their partner. They show disrespect and dismissiveness, being sarcastic, name calling, mocking, rolling their eyes and ridiculing. Taking this superior role in the relationship, can again be very damaging. You are in effect, stating you are better than your partner, which can arise from long standing feelings of resentment & repetitive negative thoughts.  Contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce; it’s important to eradicate it from your relationship.

The antidote to being contemptuous is showing respect and appreciation. Telling your partner how much they mean to you, celebrating the relationship and thanking them for their efforts, will change this pattern. Learning to speak in respectful ways to each other and showing that you care through active listening, can replace other forms of harmful communication.

3. The third horseman is Defensiveness.

We can see defensiveness playing out when one partner feels attacked by the other and assumes a ‘victim’ role. They are in effect, blaming their partner, so that their partner will back off. We’ve all been defensive, but when it’s a go- to communication strategy, couples will not get very far. Defensiveness will only escalate an argument, because instead of understanding and/ or apologising, the partner deflects responsibility.

The antidote to defensiveness is accepting responsibility. Understanding your partners viewpoint, letting your guard down to have a healthy conversation, as apposed to protecting yourself, will lead to a much more fruitful relating style. Taking responsibility and owning up to your behaviour, will ultimately end the need to defend yourself.

4. The fourth horseman is Stonewalling.

This is usually a response to a contemptuous partner. It’s when a person energetically withdraws from the person speaking, shuts down emotionally and completely stops responding to their partner. This can look like a blank face, crossed arms and a glazed look in their eyes. It can also look like, turning away, acting busy or distracting themselves with obsessive behaviours. Stonewalling is a result of being physiologically flooded; a highly charged emotional state, resulting in experiencing a freeze response in this case. It’s a habit that’s hard to stop, but necessary if you want to resolve problems in your relationship.

The antidote to stonewalling is to take a break of at least 20 mins to calm down & self- soothe. It’s important to recognise when you are ‘flooding’. It’s a feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to stay open to further conversation. Taking a break will allow you to centre, ground and feel more able to respond to your partner. Reading a book, watching tv, meditating, doing exercise, are all things that will help you to relax and ‘come down’. When you’re ready, return to the conversation from a calmer, more open place.