What are Sex Positive Spaces?
I have been lucky enough to have had many opportunities to try out different sex positive spaces. From an all female Liquid Love event; sliding around 20 other naked bodies in a big pool of slippery olive oil to spending a night in Tamera community in Portugal and playing with a small group of sex-plorers, in an environment which promotes free love. Many years ago, these special spaces were hard to find, now they are everywhere and slowly becoming more accepted & less judged.
Over the last 10 years, I have visited Berlin’s playful, cabaret parties, where people are free to express themselves through colourful & exotic clothing, small play parties & the infamous kinky, Kit Kat club. I have tried swingers clubs in Barcelona and Brussels, a BDSM club in Lisbon, a kink party and Slow Sex event in the Algarve, a classy, town- house party in North London for bisexual & bi-curious women and a techno/ conscious kink club in Hackney, east London with a creative vibe. And, I have been in many Tantra workshops, where exploration of our sexuality was guided and encouraged. I’ve been to a Female Ejaculation workshop, where a small group of women, self pleasured together, re-sensitising their g-spots to get their juices flowing.
Each space was held differently, but with the intention of creating a safe place to explore and express sexuality in a healthy way. This is not something encouraged by the mainstream and therefore we call modern society ‘sex- negative’, because there is so much shaming around the body, sex and pleasure, especially for women living in a patriarchal society. The most sex positive dating app I’ve used has been Feeld. Feeld attracts people from the LGBTQ + community as well as couples who are looking for a third person to have fun with. People are attracted to this app, because it’s expected that you state your sexual desires on your profile and match based on your sexual preferences, as opposed to other apps like Tinder, where you match on appearance and interests.
It takes a lot of courage to play with the edges of your comfort zone like this. I always admire people who show up to such events, because most westerners have been conditioned to feel that their sexuality is only accepted in a way that should be confined to the bedroom, while at the same time we are overloaded with hyper sexual images on a daily basis. But our sexual energy and power is a huge part of our essence, something to be celebrated! The more we repress our sexual side, the more it gets pushed into the shadows and comes out in unhealthy ways.
Sex positive spaces give us the opportunity to use our imagination, dare to express our fantasies, ask for what we want and get to practise speaking out our boundaries. It’s an intense space for growth; handling rejection, taking the chance to initiate connection, fulfilling long- held fantasies, expressing your authentic sexy- self. Osho talks about needing to act out a fantasy in real life, in order to release it from the mind. I have found this to be true. As long as it isn’t harmful to anyone, and you have full consent to act it out, it can be very healing & exciting. A lot can come up in a space like this. Patterns of feeling ‘not enough’ or ‘too much’, can highjack the brain. Fear of abandonment, fear of being shamed for expressing your wildest desires, feeling unattractive… all our biggest insecurities can feel amplified in spaces like this.
And it’s worth mentioning, that alongside the mainstream #MeToo movement, that there has also been numerous accusations of abuse from leaders and facilitators of such events. Emotional, psychological and sexual abuse has been reported, leading to investigation & closure of some places. So when choosing a sex positive event, it’s important to do your research. Leader’s shadows can come out and leak all over the group. Feeling pressurised to perform, being expected to move at a faster pace than what feels true for you or overstepping your own boundaries to please the group is unfortunately quite common. So as much as there is a light side in these spaces, there is also a dark side.
Things to remember in SPS…listen to people’s feedback about their boundaries, respect your own boundaries, don’t space invade where it’s not invited (even by just watching), be hygienic, communicate effectively and respect every other human body & yourself. Listening to your own needs & having the ability to resource when needed is really important. Resourcing may look like taking a break, finding a quiet place to rest, taking care of yourself so you feel safe or reaching out for support/ connection. If you follow the rules of each individual space and stay within your window of tolerance, then it can be an adult playground for sensory bliss…You may get to meet parts of you, you never knew existed. Give them space, to come out and play…and to surprise yourself. Access your primal self, your kinky self, your sensual self, your adventurous self…Find other wierdos you vibe with and have fun!
