Heartbreak as a Source of Transformation

A while ago, I had the most unusual experience of meeting a Trauma Bond, who offered me the clearest mirror I’ve ever had of myself. It was like meeting my male twin. A trauma bond is a connection with someone, who shares a similar trauma history as you. Typically, you are both unhealed in the area of romantic relationships and trigger each other’s pain to a level that defies any other connection. It is somewhat of a magical relationship; you are so similar, you are forced to face your shadow, experience huge highs and huge lows. They are toxic and remind you of your unhealthy relationship with one or both of your parents. As we are unconsciously choosing partners who remind us of our parents in the hope that this time, we will get out unmet childhood needs met, this type of connection can be very healing as it shows you, where you have yet to love and value yourself.

Your relating patterns are amplified and they are a tremendous source for growth, healing and self love, if you manage to break up and break the pattern of dating your ‘type’. I was not in love with my Trauma Bond person, and it only lasted a few months, so not a typical heartbreak, but still a painful ending. My very empathic pattern of care taking men, who expressed themselves as a victim and displayed narcissist behaviour, was really pushed to it’s limits, when I realised how much I was being taken from and my caring nature exploited. I had to really see, on the conscious level, that I was trying to find love through giving and pleasing and he was manipulating me to get his needs met. It takes courage to really allow yourself to admit your part in an unhealthy dynamic.

I was putting my needs secondary and abandoning myself. The wound from childhood for empaths and narcissists is abandonment from a parent and fear of this happening again, runs the show in their relating. Until we become conscious of our unconscious patterns, they will continue to dictate us and our thoughts and behaviour. Although, I had worked on boundaries before in therapy, it was really now in real life by setting boundaries and leaving this connection and making the decision to never, ever be attracted to this type of person again, could I really free myself. I chose myself and my own wellbeing.

This is one example of a common relationship pattern. How did it transform me?

If you are a spiritual person, you usually see life’s challenges as an opportunity to grow and as lessons to learn from. Mainly, it reflected to me, that my self esteem was low. How I under valued my self and didn’t see myself worthy of a man’s attention and presence. I had to look at how I was accepting crumbs and how I had clung on to the small amount of effort this person had made for me. I had to accept, that yet again, I’d been attracted to a man with addiction, who was selfish and didn’t care about me. I was forced to look at my own codependency and lack of self love. I looked at how fast I had been and how quickly the connection had moved. We often go fast in an effort to avoid the red flags.

It was a real wake up call. When I entered in to healing work many years ago, this pattern got really triggered. Although, I had always been into the ‘bad boy’, as a source of excitement.  I had to look at where my needs for fun, adventure and friendship were not being met. I had to be honest with myself and spend time journalling to get clear about what I valued in relationship, what I wanted, what I deserved. I was bored and this connection acted as a source of enjoyment, even though painful.

You cannot manifest what you want until you really believe you deserve it. And you will keep attracting what you tolerate. The answer is to believe you are deserving of better.  But this is a practice of looking at your self- limiting beliefs and retraining your brain to look for something else in people. Not what is familiar and no longer serving you from childhood.

The anger and resentment I felt after the situation-ship ended, catapulted me into re-claiming my own power.  I connected to my own strength and I took my power back, by not caring so much about what other people thought of me or giving these low character men any of my time and energy. I followed a coaching program and it helped me so much to understand what was happening and to rewire my thought patterns. It inspired me to learn coaching & to turn my biggest pain into my biggest gift. Helping other women find self love and empowerment and look for romantic love from that place, instead of the place of the wounded little girl seeking the love she never had from her father.

I learned to re-parent myself and to show up for myself in new ways. I started committing to things around me, like the area I lived in and a new housing contract. My work flourished as I overcame my fears and feelings that I wasn’t worthy enough to offer more to my clients and the world. I decided I wanted more. More work, more money, better treatment, more luxury in my life, higher standards and quality. And to give more to people through unleveling in my work and relationships. I started changing the way I saw myself, my self identity and my victim story. I decided I wasn’t a victim of life’s circumstances anymore, but a participant in the conscious journey of life.

So heartbreak or an ending of a relationship, can be the fuel you need to transform yourself and the relationship you have with yourself. Instead of directing your anger at your ex or yourself, use that anger as fire to move you to the next level! Allow the universe to work for you and support you in your upgrade to a better person. And promise yourself, to never make the same mistakes. It’s important to be kind to yourself and see it as a learning process. Become the person you want to attract and believe it’s possible to find the love you deserve! Make the relationship you have with yourself the healthiest possible!

Now is the time, we stop repeating our ancestors mistakes and create healthier relationships. A model, very few of us have been exposed to growing up. Now is the paradigm shift to being more conscious in love.